MINDEF TO SUSPEND NATIONAL SERVICE INDEFINITELY DUE TO COVID-19

With the grand total of Covid-19 cases in Singapore surpassing 1000, MINDEF has decided to suspend National Service indefinitely on 3rd April 2020 in an attempt to curb the growing spread of the pandemic.

When asked to comment about the decision by MINDEF to suspend NS due to the Covid-19 pandemic, Defence Minister Mr Eng En Heng replied: "Look at the Covid situation it’s worsening day by day. If we do not take precautionary steps to suspend NS, later everyone kena infected, you die, I die, everybody die, then who will be there to defend this beloved nation that we call home?"

Corona is so breathtaking that it can leave you dry, high and let you die in a matter of days. So don't pray pray.

With the onslaught of the coronavirus claiming a whopping 5 lives in the citystate of Singapore, there appears to be no end to Corona's ability to terrorise and cut short the breath of Singaporeans, as social distancing measures appear to be as effective as hiring an epileptic rat to find the vaccine to Covid-19.

Social dickstanding measures are so effective in the SAF that 4 servicemen have already contracted the Covid-19 virus.

Based on an independent research group PCC surveys, NSFs (Full time National Servicemen) are extremely susceptible to getting infected by Covid-19 as the weekly affair of booking into those filthy swamps also known military camps increases the risk of infection by up to more than 500%. This is due to high concentration of the sausage feasts in the camps as the NSFs come into contact with each other regularly, be it during training or in the shower.

Sausage feasts appear to be prevented through social dickstanding measures, although we would never know what jizzfeast happens in the showers when some fresh moist recoot drops a bar of soap.

Upon the announcement that anyone with flu symptoms would be given 5 days of MC, the number of NSFs reporting sick for such symptoms spiked by another 800%, which is an extremely worrying sign as such a large number of NSFs are revealed to be potentially infected with the disease considering it to be asymptomatic. The increase in reporting sick cases is also found to be completely unrelated to NSFs wanting to take a long break from training.

Channel News Tekong (CNT) correspondent went outside Nee Soon camp to interview some of the NSFs having their final book out at 5pm on 3rd April 2020.

PTE Lim Ah Beng, who reported sick 5 times for flu and cough symptoms, has had a total of 25 days of medical leave ever since the start of the outbreak this year. He says "No NS berry good, every week book in book out sibei sian, suspend NS forever better lah, suspend till I WADIO then come collect pink IC hoseh liao lo."

When our CNT correspondent suggested that there might be an extension of service term according to the duration of the lockdown, Beng responded by slurring a bunch of vulgarities, calling for revolution and the overthrow of the PAP government. Unfortunately, his OC CPT Jordan Teo was driving past in his Porsche and subsequently charged PTE Beng on the spot.

Hoping for a more positive outlook on the virus, we interviewed another NSF, 2nd Sgt Huang Wah Yang. He commented,"This virus has been very disruptive to our exercises as we have to cancel many of them due to the outbreak. Many of my men have also fallen ill to the disease and went to RSI today. Do I know whether they chaokeng? Of course they are, but what can I do? Reporting sick is a right, not a privilege, which I hope it is. As a commander, I must be a role model for my men and never report sick, even if I indeed fall ill."

With idiots like Sgt Wah Yang roaming about, it looks like it will be a long time before Singapore can overcome this pandemic. We should be thankful NS has been suspended so that such people wouldn't spread the disease about.

Disclaimer: This is satire, not fake news. Please don't POFMA me. Thanks.